Twisted Spinster

You know, I am in a very bad mood because I have a plugged up ear (and the slightest bit of physical discomfort really irritates me; I will be the first to admit that I am not good at being stoic). So it doesn’t help that just about every one of my favorite blogs has gone into Full Whine mode about the election.

It goes like this:

“Wa-aaah! McCain won’t talk about the issues I want him to talk about!”

“Wa-aaah! Obama is up in the polls!” (Oh, those magical, mystical polls, none of whom have ever been right. Remember the 2000 election that was called for Gore?)

“Wa-aaah! Sarah Palin didn’t pull a 185+ IQ out of her hat and totally wow Big Brained Geniuses like Maureen Dowd into loving her!”

“Wa-aaah! McCain isn’t going to pull in the swing-voter vote!” (A.k.a. “the intellect of jellyfish washed up on the beach voter vote.”)

“Wa-aaah! McCain’s gonna lose because–” (he isn’t hammering all the “ex”-terrorists Obama pals around with, or the fact that the mortgage mess is the fault of Democrats holding the “we’ll tell everyone you’re a racist and you’ll be shunned by all the cool people oh and also fined and jailed” gun to the heads of bankers, or that Obama is just a big jerk who wants us to all die.)

“Wa-aaah! Obama’s gonna win and we’re all gonna end up in a Gulag run by Bill Ayers and the faculty of the University of Chicago!” Never mind that what’s actually more likely is that, should the election turned out that way, I give it less than a day before his constituency, led by the eternally faithless crew that runs the mainstream media, turns on him like sharks turning on a bucket of fresh chum. You know why? Because they’ll realize that the world did not immediately turn into a utopia filled with puppies, rainbows, and rivers made of caramel syrup. You want to know how I know this? Because I was witness to the 24-hour-old Failed Clinton Presidency (thus branded by Dave Barry after the post-inauguration hangover set in and everyone in the news media woke up and realized they still had to work for a living despite the fact that the Dems were in control).

Lord love a duck. I don’t want that hollow race huckster in charge of the country any more than you do, but whining about Doom! Doom! We Are All Doomed! just plays right into the hands of his whacked-out followers and his terrorist mentors, who want people like us to be in a state of perpetual misery and self-hatred because the world isn’t turning out like we want it to. Don’t do that, don’t be that guy — that’s the “progressive” way, to hate reality because it doesn’t conform to our standards.

And one more thing: stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop… stop trying to impress Democrats. You know who you are — you’re the people who keep complaining that, for dredge up an example, that Democrats are still making fun of Sarah Palin. I have some news for you, people: Democrats will always make fun of Sarah Palin and people like her (that’s people like us, by the way, which is why some of you are so worried about this — come on, you know it’s true) because they don’t like people like her. And they won’t like her even if she pulled out a PhD in Intergalactic Philosophy or whatever those documents are that these people trade off on each other at their little parties. They would make fun of her even if she sounded just like them and parrotted their ideals. So it’s no good worrying about it. Be more secure. Show some spine. We are the vertebrates in this evolutionary scheme. Stand up straight. And remind yourselves that to have enemies like this is good, it’s a good thing these people don’t like us. I wouldn’t want to be liked by Bill Ayers and his ilk, would you?

Update: see? And now there you are, under your porch with your revolver stuck in your ear, looking like a fool. And to make it worse, the neighbor’s lab puppy just squeezed under there and is licking your face, and the neighbor just stuck her head down there to call him and she saw you. Remember to go quietly when the ambulance people get there — at worse you’ll just have to stay in the psych ward for one night for 24 hour observation.