Twisted Spinster

My God, this website is addictive. I’ve stayed up all night two nights in a row reading it. Sample — from Everyone Is Jesus In Purgatory:

Memories of that overzealous English teacher who forced you to accept that every character, every scene, and every action had a deep inner meaning have led to widespread paranoia, on the part of readers and viewers everywhere, that every tale secretly contains some other story being told in subtext.

The end result of this is a state of mind that, for example, interprets every plot as an allegory for the afterlife and every protagonist as a stand-in for the Christ: Everyone Is Jesus In Purgatory!

Then there are the Warped Aesops:

Degrassi The Next Generation does this a lot. Some of the morals featured on the show include “cutting school is okay because you’ll learn more outside anyway”, and “if a boy breaks your heart and then steals your stepfather’s laptop for resale, wanting to punish him is wrong.”

How about those Epileptic Trees?

A term for wild, off-the-wall theories. Named after a leading tinfoil-hat theory explaining the mysterious Beast on Lost during the first season of that program. The theory? Some of the trees are epileptic.

Epileptic Trees suggested by characters are a sign of Scully Syndrome. When an Epileptic Tree is rendered null and void by the official Canon, it’s said to be Jossed. When an Epileptic Tree remarkably becomes Canon, you may find yourself saying, “I Am Not Making This Up” when you attempt to explain it. When your Epileptic Tree becomes Canon, you’re allowed to say, “I Knew It!”

Oh God, help me.